19 June 2007

Routine

It's so hot it's impossible to breathe. Work today was like... I don't know. I came too early as opposed to being late at times. How early? 32 minutes early. That's not normal. And I honestly thought I was going to be late. I had told myself the wrong thing of which is better than the right thing: Be there at 9am, not 9:30. And that makes sense to me. And it works for me. Generally. It's better to be 10 hours early than 10 seconds late. It's just not very nice when I have to make myself powerwalk like 0.8 km from train station to workplace. Sometimes I'm paranoid, like when I know I'm going to be late I curse at the sky saying that I don't care anymore. When I realize that I should just blame myself, I'd think: Take me, sweet death, I await your loving embrace (F***! #%@&#@!). But at the same time I pray for some miracle so time slows down by one minute. Never really works coz obviously du'uh... I'm either on time or hopelessly left behind.

Reality..

My mind wasn't really working today either. Logic goes haywire. Mental calculations get mixed up. Attention deficit. Anxiety. A little. And my most famous trait: Limited responses. And the fact that people notice things about me gives me the creeps. It's not fair. I can't notice things about them because most of the time I'm wrong, but people notice things about me that are true. Makes me feel so hollow. Not human. Like I have no feelings.
*sigh* It felt much better to be invisible.

Now that I'm 'out', there's nothing much I could do but play along. I'd have to adapt anyway, coz nothing's gonna get used to me.

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