28 June 2007

Make or Break Situation

Way past the years of being a kid yet I feel like my parents still have me on a leash. I'm not supposed to rebel but I'm supposed to fight back. I'm not supposed to keep quiet when suppressed or oppressed whichever it is, but I'm supposed to have some level of respect. I'm not supposed to disrespect but I'm supposed to be persuasive. This isn't my specialty. I only let myself down.

I wonder when I could talk to my parents - have a family meeting. I wonder when is it that it doesn't feel awkward and the situation more relaxed. I don't think I'm being considered in any way. Both my mum and stepdad (a.k.a my uncle) are strangers to me. I sat down to lunch with them today and they are too distant from where I am. They don't get where I'm trying to come from. Trying to push away the fact that I have feelings too.

Unfortunately I'm being faced with another tough decision to make where I must know the right words to use. It's a make or break situation. It threatens me but I wonder why is that so. I don't want to feel helpless anymore. I can trust me to let myself out, but I still need help. The kind that's not within my reach... or not even there.

Certain things are out of my control like the actions or emotions that belong to other people, or their intentions towards me. But I wonder who is?

Sometimes I crave acceptance. Just any form of acceptance. I look for attention. Support. Yet sometimes I am brought to realize that I'm naive or more or less around there. But because I emphasize with other people easily, I just understand and give in. And I would say that it's okay to think of me that way.

But that I can push aside. It's being grabbed my the arm or by the throat that really hurts. I need my parents to let me out. I need them to hope and pray for the best for me. Not discourage me entirely. It's sad because I don't know who else to talk to just to get some answers without causing frustration on the other end. To others my situation is easily solved. But not to me so it's easy to feel alone.

So many things to face and challenges to overcome.
I'm begging myself to stay strong.

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