22 March 2007

Repulsive day

Listening to music and at the same time trying to think AND at the same time trying to sleep. I'm coming about with plenty of random thoughts.

Singapore's aiming for a population of 6.5 million people. Generally it's an island that's around 647km2 with resident apartments that are skyscrapers themselves. Concrete jungle. Like my geography teacher once said: if a country can't expand horizontally due to limited space, they are forced to expand vertically. The subways go deeper and more complex like rat holes, it's getting hollow underground, then more land are being reclaimed until there can be no more reclamation once we start to cramp the styles of Malaysia and Indonesia, and the buildings continue to rise adding more weight to the ground. Will Singapore sink one day? I wish. But it won't sink. It will be over-populated. Very over-populated. Like 4.5 million people aren't crampy enough.
We're all going to die.

Dr. House is infectious. He gets to me. Oh my god.

Today after work I decided to walk in the drizzle. I had an umbrella but I didn't use it. Just a drizzle. Then someone out of no where gave me free shelter. His umbrella, and I said: whoa, hey, it's okay. But he insisted on the free shelter and free-sheltered me all the way to the train station, and I thought: before he asks me too many questions I don't want to hear, I might as well shoot him with my questions. The only thing I didn't ask was his name and why offer free shelter, because he would in turn ask me (or himself) why I want to know and I don't really give a damn about "Why can't we be friends?" type of questions. Yes I can be mean to someone when they're not welcome because I have a phobia-slash-hate towards men who come up to me and start being suspiciously nice.
He works in another department, a designer, and when I asked him what he thought about art school (coz I ran out of questions) he said the same thing everyone said to me:
"Frankly speaking, if you're just going to do it for the sake of hobby it's not going to get you far." OF COURSE he was right.
Everybody else always has to be right.

Art? I'm over it. Or at least want to be.
Then he asked me if I would consider a full time job if he could find one for me somewhere that's not front line. And I thought... oh, now a job offer being handed right in front of me. I had to doubt it because I didn't like how the chance came by. I don't have time to get a full time job now. Besides I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I don't want to work in the same place again. And definitely not with him.

So why did I meet this strange person? To get free shelter when it's not even a downpour? To get a free job offer? Or maybe just to hear it again that I need to be more realistic? Free reminder. I should've just briskly walked off and ignored him.
I didn't say thank you and I think in the end he got on the wrong train because I asked him where he lived and he took the eastbound train when he lives on the west side of the island. And I didn't even remind him when I knew I could've.
Boo hoo.

I'm so going to hell.

Anyway.

House is still... interesting yet he kinda pisses me off. I sit in front of the tv everyday now. I don't do that. Not since Dead Last and Gilmore Girls. Okay maybe also Nip/Tuck.
But I don't normally watch that much TV.

I thought about my faith.. and God. Sometimes I feel it's there but sometimes it's not there. Then at the same time I feel like every single thing I do wrong causes something else to go wrong. But me being told what is the right thing to do is what I can't figure it out for myself if it -is- the right thing to do.
I just don't know what I've done, what I'm doing, what I will do.
If I want to be all drama about this again, I shouldn't waste my time. One thought that I smack right at the back of my head now is the fact that I'm a person who dares to walk into something and dares to go through it. So I should listen to myself the next time my gut tells me to stop, and not try to be a hero.

So what else about me that aren't exactly realistic.... I'm still in the process of identifying these things. Like working with a big company like Singapore Airlines, being an artist, getting another job, getting married? Maybe. Or migrating from my country before it sinks, making money from investing, getting published, blah blah blah.
And I've tried speaking up. Tried reminding myself that I can say no, or say yes. Tried asking myself to keep thinking of solutions even if I think there's no solution to problems.

A deja vu today. I had it when I was having supper. Watching House. Those few seconds were familiar.

There's a gothic/industrial event happening every Wednesday night at Gashaus. I might check it out. Come over to support the scene. Or I might not.

This time talking/thinking to myself.

I'd like to go somewhere tomorrow morning to read. I've lost touch with a lot of things. Like deep sleep, nature, taking photos (of other things and people), enjoying food, feeling good waking up, laughter, friends.
Do I have friends...

Why can't I be right? I'd feel better.
But I can't be right if I don't sort things out inside before anything on the outside reflects whatever's there.

2 comments:

  1. i'm telling you, just hit yourself hard before going to sleep. get into a coma, then you won't have to think for a while while ppl just feed to odd stuff

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  2. i like the layout. very nice.

    ReplyDelete