12 March 2007

Selfish

I've always wanted to write down a note to say goodbye. Such a big weakness suicide is. A weakness that lies in me. It grows on me and I can't fight it. But I seem to be fighting it still. I have to keep fighting, says Michael. For my sake, for his sake, for our sake, for dignity's sake.

Selfish.

The best word my mum used to describe me. I remember. I was nine years old the first time she said that. It hurt so much until today and it's been a decade since then. I don't hear it anymore but it has become a recurring thought. Like an eye-opener. I realized that she was right. Instead of getting the help I needed to stop acting like an idiot, I get smacked in the head with the fact that I'm a selfish person. So maybe I am. I'm selfish.

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