15 March 2007

Remorse

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, Eyes -
I wonder if It weighs like Mine -
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long -
Or did it just begin -
I could not tell the Date of Mine -
It feels so old a pain -

I wonder if it hurts to live -
And if They have to try -
And whether - could They choose between -
It would not be - to die -

I note that Some - gone patient long -
At length, renew their smile -
An imitation of a Light
That has so little oil -

I wonder if when Years have piled -
Some thousands - on the Harm -
That hurt them early - such a lapse
Could give them any Balm -

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve -
Enlightened to a larger Pain -
In Contrast with the Love -

---

Remorse is memory awake,
Her companies astir, --
A presence of departed acts
At window and at door.

It 's past set down before the soul,
And lighted with a match,
Perusal to facilitate
Of its condensed despatch.

Remorse is cureless, -- the disease
Not even God can heal;
For 't is his institution, --
The complement of hell.

- Emily Dickinson

---


When other's have had enough of you and you've had enough of yourself, when you feel a deep sense of remorse and a deep sense of confusion, when you've always lost control of reality and always failed to focus. What would you do?

Yesterday at work I forgot to carry out one simple step pertaining to some paperwork (forgot to get a very important signature from someone), and it sparked my colleague's anger over the phone. She said, "Why did it come to this?! I'm not going to take care of this ok? Come up with your own answers to explain this."
And I said... "Ok."
She hung up.
Okay?? What the hell is that, Ira?
But it was crowded, I couldn't possibly remember everything, and I forgot. I just forgot. I know I could've expected myself to do something about it at least like ASK for fucking help from my respectable supervisor who's not always going to be mean to me. But no.. the lack of neurons in my brain that triggers response just further shrivel and die and I just stand there really not wanting to do anything because there's no thought in my head that answers to my question: What would I do now. There's always contradiction in my head.

Ok now I'll just forget about that. It's done. Finished. My mistake.

Mistakes.
Do you think everybody gets another chance? I walk out of the house yesterday and I lost it. I broke down halfway through a flights of staircases, couldn't help crying like I totally failed. I thought twice about going to work. I wanted to call up and said I'm not coming today although my phone was almost out of batt. But I knew I'd be acting like a wuss so I literally landed a slap on my face, forced myself to stand up and WALK. I must go to work no matter what. When I got there I was late. But I got there. I didn't know how I was going to survive the day, then I made the careless mistake I mentioned above, I had pain in my stomach and back that I kept bending over. Another colleague forced me to get something to eat so I got something to eat, and so struggled to catch up. She asked me why I won't eat. I told her don't think like that because I DO want to eat.

I'm thinking people are the ones who get me organized. They say stuff like "You need to eat" or "Go take a break" or "Get this done in one hour" or "Don't worry, all you have to do is this, or that". They think for me coz I can't think.
I just can't think. And in situations that provoke anxiety, I just shut down, paralyzed, unable to switch focus from one situation to another. And that... drives people crazy.
It drove my ex-bestfriend crazy ('ex' was the result of it), drove my mum crazy, drove my boyfriend crazy, even drove myself crazy. I know my mind's not working and I risk losing a lot of things in life. And by 'a lot' I mean everything. No one's gonna save me. I gotta do it myself.

Never felt so stuck or alone in a situation before.
What would you do if you were me? If you're blessed with a realistic mind, a healthy mind, please help me.

2 comments:

  1. It's ok, Ira. Pls don't always be so hard on yourself when things go wrong. You can do better, the key is to not give up. Yeah, I know I've told you this so many times. I just hope you'll spend more time being better and more confident than hating yourself.

    If I were you, I'd keep telling myself "OK, I can do this. I screwed up, but I can do this better. I'm the only one who can make this right, so here we go." And then you just do what you have to do. Try figuring out ways to be better at what you do, be creative if you have to. Ultimately if nothing works and you're not happy, then you can try something else.

    That's my advice, though right now I admit I'm not the person with the healthiest mind. I feel kinda screwed up myself. That's where you come in.

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  2. Thanks. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself either. :)

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