21 March 2007

Insomnia is me

Absence of sleep. Let's see what's on my mind.

That's one thing. Though it's immeasurable. Change as in a better me, a communicative me, an honest me, a simple me, is easier to grasp. I've always been right-brained, it means my ideas may seem illogical from time to time. I'm aware that it's important to maintain a balance between the uses of the left and the right brain. Between stable and flexible, real and unreal, logic and intuition. People who manage to do that are well off in this world, where learning, responding, or understanding hardly is a problem. But firstly I accept the fact that that's where it (my scatterbrain quirks) begins. And it's okay to be me. I just have to maintain some kind of mental balance.

I notice that I'm always waking up from something. For example when I get jealous over the slightest things, there's anger and fear. But I wake up from it, I ask myself "Look, what is this feeling teaching you?" I calm down and acknowledge the fact that I have options. I either use my left brain and realize when there's no evidence, any assumptions then would stand without any foundation, or I use my right brain and realize that communication here is crucial - that I tell exactly how I feel in my heart and in my mind. Not necessarily to a specific someone but perhaps to myself.
And to balance between functioning the left and the right brain is to allow them to communicate with each other and come to a reasonable conclusion. Conclusions that won't cause me emotional distress, neither would it damage my ability to think rationally.

I think I've been too brave. Sometimes it isn't good to be brave. I'm talking about being brave in a disturbing way. Being brave enough not to hurt other people at my own expense. Which did ricochet and hit me back. Not just that, it also hit whoever I'm close to. So I cause confusion. Well technically my behaviour, not me. But still... It was a downward spiral of one bad thing after the other. I knew it could've been worse.
Courage to be brave enough to reveal my thoughts and feelings is a more positive approach. And the first thing is to be that way towards myself before I can be that way with others. I only had courage/willingness to be afraid, not the courage to face my own fears.

So much about me. But there's no more time for me. I was self-centred and focused on the wrong things. So much that I was numb and I don't respond. Speaking of that, I had thought that customer service was the wrong place for me to be working at. But instead of thinking that, my job actually helped me open up, kept my mind diverted towards reality (although I still hate certain people I come across). On the other hand, Michael helped me too. He holds the influence more because he's not my job, he's my commitment. I can't succumb to shame from my mistakes, or the unjustified fear of being reprimanded. I should, at some point in time, wake up.

And I have.

Last thing on my mind tonight. Determination.

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