14 January 2007

Sweet Decadence

There are things that I want to leave behind, so there are no regrets. I feel weak sometimes. Most times. 'Threatened' by the people that I care about the most.
I realize I'm just not ready for life.

I don't understand it too why I also feel that life has a meaning. Some kind of an inner strength that just kicks in when situations get critical. But how much of that do I have left?

The decisions I make are most likely to be the wrong ones. The words I say are most likely to be misunderstood. Insignificant. And the faith that I once held on to is gone now. I don't know what it takes to get it back.
I know I'm lost.

My last option is to turn to God. But then I always have. My hands are out literally asking for help. Though I know help is not free. He won't help me if I refuse to help myself. He knows best, though. I trust that. Still I do feel helpless at times, just.. really.. down to my knees.. and overwhelmed by grief.. likely ashamed of myself.
I know that it's not wrong for me to be the best that I can be. So I just try to be the best that I can.

All my life I've allowed myself to be intimidated, looked down on, manipulated, and taken advantage of. I've never really achieved anything, everything I ever achieved are what other people wanted to see me do. Not what I wanted for myself. I did it for them so they won't think badly of me, but this has been unhealthy for me in the long run. I feel it's too late to change anything.

Somebody knows how I feel... my mum knows I don't feel any meaning in life, she knows how much I cry, she knows the heaviest feelings and thoughts that I keep to myself, and she knows that I don't see the point in living. She cares but she doesn't really understand. Many people care. I feel bad because they tell me to stand up again like it's so easy but I can't. They kick me, they push me, their words are angry.
There's too much noise. I wish they would leave me alone.

I'm not ready.

2 comments:

  1. Do you believe that we all have a purpose in this world? I know you told me before that you don't know what's yours, but I don't know mine either, Ira. Why do we exist? Why are we here, and why do we have to endure all the pain inflicted by the people who supposedly care about us?

    It's hard, I know. But under all this, I believe there is some meaning, like you said. We exist not just for our sake, but for others. God put us here for a reason. To live not just for ourselves, but for others too. Perhaps we can find contentment in being there for others, helping others, and at the same time help ourselves.

    Or at the very basic least, think of it this way: the things that happen around us happen for a reason. You loved M2M, and became a fan. If not for that, you would not have met Michael. I became a fan too, and if not for that I would not have met Rhea, and without her I would not have met you, and everyone else. And it's your existence that matters. You matter to me, and to the people who read SC. You mean a lot to your family, even when you feel like you don't. It's all right if your mum doesn't understand, that's perfectly normal. Don't regret all that has happened, I don't think you'd realise how lost you would be if some of the things in your life never came to pass. Hardship has to come before the happiness, otherwise the happiness would be hollow.

    What I do need you to be, Ira, is to be better. I know you tried, but the trick is to keep trying, and never quitting. Hard, I know. I've been doing it all my life, and even now I don't know if it's getting me anywhere. But I do know if I quit, it'll be a whole lot worse. Keep standing up, and fight for the right to live. Don't let the world beat you down.

    "Sic vis pacem, para bellum."

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  2. What would I do without people like you.

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