Stark Corner

Lately it's been so quiet. I've been so tired. Sick. I have tasks to do, errands to run, yet I feel held back. To some point I feel like I could break away from what ties me down and controls me (parents, fear, words of discouragement, etc) but I'm afraid that whether or not I live to tell the story, I would still feel the same way about it.
Like something's missing.

This causes me to put other things in life on hold. Even the things I need the most, from sleep to someone who cares. And I can't have them until I've done what I have to do. Not that I don't want to do it. It's just not that time yet that it's supposed to feel right. I only have one chance. The clock's ticking. But then again I don't think there even is a right time. People just dive into things and hope for the best. Don't we all?

I don't like how I pretend to go about my days like I'm okay. Going to work with a fresh face, responding to everyone who says hi to me, smiling, talking, working. Wearing a 'mask'. But that's how it's supposed to be. Can't complain.

To some point I'm still okay. There are certain things in my life worth fighting for and they are the reason I'm not calling it quits. Certain things and people that I would do anything for just so I could see them smile.
Then my work is done.

So much rain today. I can smile. Not because of the rain but because for a second today I wasn't burdened. Received some help from those little things hiding inside of me that lets me breathe and I know it. Although too faint for me to notice.

I am proof that happiness comes from what's inside of us.

I walked into a bookstore.
I heard a melody that touched me. No words.

I am proof that happiness exists even in the darkest times.

I walked into a toy store. I had $3 to spare.

And this little plactic thing, from this hour henceforth, shall break my concentration from life's cruel intentions.
Until it breaks apart from me or death take me.

I am proof that happiness too comes from within.
Wish I had some thing to talk to.

My Saturdays and Sundays have gone. My weeks fly by like they are days. There's so many things to think of and all the while I haven't figured out what am I supposed to do. How do I differentiate ideas that are priorities from the ones that are unrealistic? How do I make use of my free time doing the things I could be done with rather than thinking endlessly and wasting time?
How do I deal?

If only I was wiser. If only I had skin some layers thick. If only I was headstrong.
But where is my mind...

So much beating around the bush. No, I can't be straight forward, you know why? Because I'm not used to it. I'm learning so just please understand. Stupid and young, remember? And who am I even talking to..

Anyway, I tried to sleep but efforts proved fruitless.
You know, everyday I ask myself this question: "What do I do now?" I ask myself that to any situation that I find myself stuck in. Then there's a fear that just pulls over me because I know the answer: "I don't know". But in some rare cases, people had to 'save' me, and I find that help comes.
But also sometimes help doesn't come and I am forced to cave in. Admit defeat. Even though I know I can at least be good and save myself, it's not nearly good enough. I will never learn how to save myself.
Maybe I'm just too afraid to risk anything that tugs at my heart. Friendship, family, love, courage, respect. Giving preference to dropping my own heart instead of others'.

I have big, big questions that would be too naive of me to ask, and the gaps in between stepping stones are getting wider. Why do I give in to fear...

Please don't tell me to be careful. Don't add to the apprehension.
Just tell me that it will be okay.

That strong feeling of knowing that something was going to happen. It occurred today. And I thought I could never sense these things again.

3rd December 2006, early, in the middle of sleep:
I had a dream that this particular machine at work breaks down.

3rd December 2006, at work, 15:29 hrs:
That machine breaks down exactly the same way it did in my dream. So today I was just waiting for it to happen. Minutes before it happened I felt strange vibes through my body whenever I was reminded of this dream. Just like a warning. When it happened I found it amusing. But very weird.

I still can't tell the difference between a premonition and just an obvious concern.

It seems to happen so quickly - a warning, and immediately a similar occurance follows. It can happen anytime between 5 seconds and a couple of years after a warning. And a warning can be a dream or just an intuition that jumps out of nowhere and twists in my chest all of a sudden for no reason.

The strange thing is how there's just no chance to tell anyone about it. One way or the other life makes it the way that it just doesn't come out. But when it happens already and I tell someone: "Hey, I knew this was gonna happen", or "I dreamt of this exactly the way it is", it cannot be considered solid proof that I had sensed it. Like it's just not supposed to be known to anyone else but me.
And that's that. Otherwise it's just gonna sound like I'm crazy.

I'll mention it here if this happens again.
It's been too long since the last time it did.