08 December 2006

Still Stupid and Young

My Saturdays and Sundays have gone. My weeks fly by like they are days. There's so many things to think of and all the while I haven't figured out what am I supposed to do. How do I differentiate ideas that are priorities from the ones that are unrealistic? How do I make use of my free time doing the things I could be done with rather than thinking endlessly and wasting time?
How do I deal?

If only I was wiser. If only I had skin some layers thick. If only I was headstrong.
But where is my mind...

So much beating around the bush. No, I can't be straight forward, you know why? Because I'm not used to it. I'm learning so just please understand. Stupid and young, remember? And who am I even talking to..

Anyway, I tried to sleep but efforts proved fruitless.
You know, everyday I ask myself this question: "What do I do now?" I ask myself that to any situation that I find myself stuck in. Then there's a fear that just pulls over me because I know the answer: "I don't know". But in some rare cases, people had to 'save' me, and I find that help comes.
But also sometimes help doesn't come and I am forced to cave in. Admit defeat. Even though I know I can at least be good and save myself, it's not nearly good enough. I will never learn how to save myself.
Maybe I'm just too afraid to risk anything that tugs at my heart. Friendship, family, love, courage, respect. Giving preference to dropping my own heart instead of others'.

I have big, big questions that would be too naive of me to ask, and the gaps in between stepping stones are getting wider. Why do I give in to fear...

Please don't tell me to be careful. Don't add to the apprehension.
Just tell me that it will be okay.

1 comment:

  1. Let me start this comment with something simple that I may have told you before. You're a lot of things, young may well be one of them. But stupid is not. Not in a million years.

    I know you probably expected that from me, but I had to say it. I also know that a lot of times, you feel that way. Stupid, helpless, trapped, confused. We've all been there, or at least I have.

    But you are smart, Ira. I still believe in that. Sure, you may need to grow a little more, you're young. But you've proven to me how wise you can be despite being 10 years my junior (if anyone is laughing at my age, cut it out lol).

    You can do anything you put your mind to, you just need to believe in yourself a little more. And more importantly, don't quit. Don't stop believing in the possibilities. And don't be afraid, because you're not alone.

    If you fall, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue. Keep doing that till you get to the end. If you want it badly enough, you'll find yourself there before you know it, trust me.

    And yes Ira, it will be okay. I can tell you're a survivor. You'll be fine.