29 November 2006

Three Minutes

That's how late I was for work today.

Because I couldn't wake up despite the alarm.
Because I couldn't be fast enough when packing lunch.
(But I have to pack my lunch otherwise I'll spend on food.)
Because I wasn't fast enough when I got ready.
(But if I don't get ready, do I just leave for work anyway?)
Because I wanted to drive but I took the train instead.
(If I had driven I would've crashed because I had a bad feeling about it, and besides, I was tense and unstable. I already knew I was going to be late. There was no point trying to rush.)

One minute late is unacceptable. Today I multiplied that by three. Other days were sixfold. Ninefold. I only look at these situations as official proof that I'm disorganized and unpunctual.
Unfuckingpunctual.

....I am so tired.

"Try" is what I am told to do. Try to be early next time. Try to be fast. Try to wake up early (when rule #1 is that sleep doesn't come so easy). Try to compromise with yourself. Try not to take so much time being a girl with all those girl stuff going on. Try to manage your time better.
Try.

I've tried. But what happens?
I forget things. I forget my keys. I forget my cellphone. I forget my pass card. I forget my wallet.
Then these are good reasons to turn back.
Without keys does not mean that I can't come home, without keys mean my keys are lying about at home free for my sisters to take and use to open my drawers.
Without cellphone means I can't check the time, I can't be reached, and I can't reach anyone.
Without my pass card I can't even enter restricted areas at work which I have to go.
And without my wallet I can't even get on the train to go to work in the first place.
So I would have to turn back, and that would take another 5 minutes. Less if I'm lucky, if not, more.
I'd rather lose my head one day because I'm probably just going to forget it anyway.

Like I'm supposed to be late.

But nooo... that's not a good way to look at it - you say. That shows your attitude towards it - you say. You should learn from your mistakes and make it better for yourself.
Well... everybody else is right. I'll never manage time if I don't do it myself.

I half gave up because I keep acknowledging my failure. I feel like it's not even worth making adjustments when the damage is done already. I feel like it's better to just leave it behind and walk away because I don't care anymore. I'm embarrassed and it shows in my records, in my life story, and people who know me -knows- that I'm a hopeless unpunctual entity. Always too late. Only either too early (and getting questions like "Why are you early?" or getting made fun of: "Wow, you're early, what's going on? Did something happen? Did you find out you were pregnant this morning? Are you getting paid for coming early? You must be enthusiastic about something! What are you doing here?"), either that or too late. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating, but the thing is, I can't even be too early or too late. But being on time is being perfect.
Well I'm not perfect. Yeah I know, "nobody's perfect". Even so, it's still not enough. We're all human. Whatever it is, we all aim for perfection. Face it. If it's not perfect, it's unacceptable.

I accept my consequences. I pay for it. Literally and emotionally. I'm trying... and I have been trying to be punctual... and up to this point I admit that I am beginning to feel very, very tired. In my chest, in my head, on my shoulders. The drama goes.
But I'm so tired.
I need someone to help me out on this. Right here.

I need help. Can't do this on my own.
That's the bottom line.

4 comments:

  1. You know one of the things I like about you, Ira? It's the fact you know where the damn problem is. You're good at that. But the one thing I'm not so cool on is you being so hard on yourself. I know you feel like you need to, but take it easy a little.

    You've tried. Hard. You have the motivation but not the means, or at least you haven't found the means yet. That's ok, Ira. You wanna give up? Go on. If you feel like you can't do this anymore, it's ok. It's ok because you tried. And you're tired of trying.

    I have given up before, you know. I may have said I don't quit and I always keep fighting, but everyone needs to know when to fight and when to quit. So if you wanna throw in the towel, it's ok. You can always do something else, no shame in that.

    But if you do want to keep doing this job, you can keep trying. Yeah. That's it. There's no shame in that either. You'll have to find new ways to beat the time problems you keep encountering. Find a way that works better, practise it, and stick to it. It'll work, but only if you don't quit. And only if you want to keep trying.

    You have 2 choices, Ira. Either one is fine, no one will think less of you no matter which one you choose. Well, at least no one in the blog circle. But you get my meaning. Good luck.

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  2. I don't want to be hard on myself either but I need to if I'm gonna be a fighter.

    When it comes to my job. I'm pretty much happy with it even though I don't wanna do it. Nobody wants to work but they need to. So that's understandable.
    Half the time I need the experience too. I can't keep changing. I need to know when enough is enough, I have to learn how to adapt too.
    What if I screw up? You know how these things happen. You think you should just roll the dice one more time, but when you do, you realize you should've just... waited.

    In a way I suppose that I won't try so hard anymore. I like being the way I am, and I know that I have issues that I must work on.
    This time I think it would be better if I just... be punctual, not make so much 'noise' at work (I don't have to be over-the-top trying to impress everybody or trying to be popular or whatever), and just leave unnoticed when it's time to leave.

    ReplyDelete
  3. put anything you think you might need in a bag, and never take them out
    sleep during lunch

    ReplyDelete