09 October 2006

Obsessed with Religion #2

"Muslims raging over bla bla bla"
"Christians forced to convert to Islam by Al-Qaeda militants"
That's all that ever makes headlines in the papers. Rage. Islam. Terrorism. Murder.

Die. Kill. Annihilate. Bombs. Suicide.

Nothing makes sense anymore does it? Oh and this is even more amusing from a few months ago: "Malaysia discussing with Russia how their Muslim astronauts should pray in space."

Sometimes things just make you say 'WTF'.
My point? Religion is not the problem. The people are.

Maybe 9/11 changed my point of view, after my dad died, after falling in love, after going through anxiety+depression. No, actually, I think it did change a lot of things. I began questioning my own faith and suddenly I am taking what I can accept and leaving what I can't. And respecting what I cannot change, about Islam and the people closest to me who are devout and practicing. I guess maybe faith only makes sense if it is based on experience and reason, and not... like... revelation? Perhaps. Coz that's what makes sense to me right now if I were to really think about it.
Did the faith I grew up in lose it's meaning?

Maybe I completely lost myself, but least that makes me feel good.

Knowing that God exists, doesn't have a beginning or end, designed, created, planned, watched. He's in His creations. That I don't need to go to the mosque or read the quran to find God. I can look at myself and admire this creation. I can go outside and see a tree - it's there, or basically just appreciating nature because we're all good examples of His existence. Not drawing a picture of what He is, but rather getting to know what He's like through how intricate everything in life works. Being thankful for the little blessings in life, living as a good person, learning from my own wrongdoings. And nothing more?
Maybe. But that's what I've been doing. Half the time. Unconsciously knowing that written revelations leave me cold and depressed. That they are prone to human errors, respecting the fact that revelations to a person/messenger/whoever is only meant for THAT person and that no one by right should be obligated to believe if this person spreads the word... coz that's how personal it should be this relationship between Man and God. And I guess that's what I've been doing half the time, wondering if what I believe in doesn't have a name. Doesn't need a name.

Maybe I'm tired of defending what I cannot easily explain. Or maybe I just feel like this on impulse coz I can't change who I am and I am in dire need to find somewhere to feel safe again. But this keeps me sane for the time being. I can't say no.

I feel good enough.

No comments:

Post a Comment