19 September 2006

My idle mind

No matter what, I don't regret it. I'm human for a reason and I deserve to be in this universe as much as everything else. I deserve to feel, I deserve to believe, I deserve to stand on the edge of a freaking cliff and jump off if I want to.

It feels good to be in my old position again last night. Just lying down in bed, the night breeze coming in from the window, it's totally dark, and I got the reading light turned on as I wrote in my journal again.

The night is cool and I feel at ease. It's dark and silent and all that's next in my mind is to fall asleep.
Just sleep.

I wonder how it's going to be now. My life, I mean. I realize it that I'm in some kind of a 'transition'. It's strange the things I do. Sometimes I cook a ton of rubbish, I ask for something that's totally random, I suddenly change my mind, I lose motivation but feel determined, I fall in and out of faith, I fool myself, I'm guilty of loving too much, I sit in front of the computer and go blank, I get jealous, I dress myself up in the morning to stay home the whole day, I read books about 'facing shame so you could find self-respect', books about relationships and books about 'nice girls don't survive in the workplace' or whatever it is, then I don't get out of bed but I like it that way, I don't care if I'm hungry, I don't care if I stink, and I'm constantly thinking... hey, how am I? How was my day?

I become so numb.

Then I looked into the mirror and I can't seem to wipe the smirk off my face. The bad side tells me, "Just give up. All gods are bastards." and the good side says, "Keep going. You have the courage to decide between what promises the truth and what breaks its promise to you."
I surrender.
I only have one choice and that is to listen to my (132-beats per minute) heart.

I admire my idle mind.

3 comments:

  1. Don't give up, Ira. You've still got it in you. I know it.

    And gods are not bastards. You're still alive, aren't you?

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  2. what are you on lately? your heartbeat is getting so fast
    those self help books, i feel, are complete bullshit anyway. it's not like it can be one method fits everyone. hell, even a diet needs to be fitted for personal demands.
    anywya, best thing to do, just be grumpy for a while, and if that doesn't work, just be grumpy. it's working great for me, wanting to just punch something in daily

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ok.
    Self-help books are complete bullshit.
    Point taken.
    I will need a punching bag.

    ReplyDelete