It feels good to be in my old position again last night. Just lying down in bed, the night breeze coming in from the window, it's totally dark, and I got the reading light turned on as I wrote in my journal again.
The night is cool and I feel at ease. It's dark and silent and all that's next in my mind is to fall asleep.
I wonder how it's going to be now. My life, I mean. I realize it that I'm in some kind of a 'transition'. It's strange the things I do. Sometimes I cook a ton of rubbish, I ask for something that's totally random, I suddenly change my mind, I lose motivation but feel determined, I fall in and out of faith, I fool myself, I'm guilty of loving too much, I sit in front of the computer and go blank, I get jealous, I dress myself up in the morning to stay home the whole day, I read books about 'facing shame so you could find self-respect', books about relationships and books about 'nice girls don't survive in the workplace' or whatever it is, then I don't get out of bed but I like it that way, I don't care if I'm hungry, I don't care if I stink, and I'm constantly thinking... hey, how am I? How was my day?
I become so numb.
Then I looked into the mirror and I can't seem to wipe the smirk off my face. The bad side tells me, "Just give up. All gods are bastards." and the good side says, "Keep going. You have the courage to decide between what promises the truth and what breaks its promise to you."
I only have one choice and that is to listen to my (132-beats per minute) heart.
I admire my idle mind.