20 July 2006

Bye bye , Beautiful.
Don't bother to write.

Not much to say but how do I end...

I wish I could describe the colour. That day was a darker shade of blue. I had someone to talk to but she was distances away from me. Not like a best friend the way she used to be before she remarried. And not the one who understood me. I was so careful with the words I use. I had to be. I hated how she kept giving me simple straight forward solutions to the problems I am facing. It's so easy for her but they sound so threatening to me.
So I had someone to talk to. I've always trusted her. But all this time I was being very honest because I needed help.
But opening up to her too much will only remind her how delusional, indecisive, and timid I am. She's not cruel to me. She just helped bring me to life. I'm her responsibility.
So I had someone to talk to but she's not cruel.
And she will not be cruel to the one I love the day I tell her that I refuse her company.

I'll wake up like any other day thinking about the man I accepted as a friend despite my inability to trust what we all call 'friendship'. That took some time. I've seen him in my dreams countless of times yet I couldn't remember his face or his voice. I didn't know who he is. I've seen his name and took it with me, I've felt his hair on my face, I've felt his warmth and heartbeat, and I've felt that no matter how many times I kept falling over, he guided me back up to my feet.
I didn't ask for these dreams. I hated dreams because they represented the reasons why I was broken before I even dared to move. They lie.
So I'll wake up and remember the man who showed me a taste of reality. I've never smiled the way I have, never knew what crying felt like until the pain was real, and when I looked at my reflection I knew I wasn't good enough. It was the biggest truth that's ever been unveiled to me because I refused to open my eyes before I opened my heart.
So I'll think ahead but I won't rely on tomorrow hoping that things will just magically turn out to be easier. Now that I begin to see more by the days, I can't help but catch up with everything that's happening to me. I'll get to know it. All the things I've never done before. Even though I'm not always fast or smooth enough.
Then I chose to be with him before I knew him. Before I even met him. Why was I born in a different world than him? Why didn't living worlds apart stop me from liking this person? Why couldn't reality convince me that I'll never get it right? What's making me pull through?
I question everything the way I never did.

How important today is. I lost some things on my way here. Well it was more like I gave them up. Things too personal to mention. But it's not even important.
What matters is that I have something to take care of now.
So here's another thing I leave behind: Writing out the way I feel. Don't you think I'm being brutally honest in such a manner? Thoughts that are meant to be personal are better kept that way because once it's out then it might just spell "freakazoid" on my forehead. But no, really, nobody needs to know.
Next time, I will write in pictures.

I appreciate anyone who's been reading. Tom, Aaron, Suzy, especially Michael. Can't believe you let me waste your time with... rubbish. But I'll be 'around'. And Tom, this place will miss your comments too. Thanks for them. Hopefully another time I'll put up something else worth commenting, like this:

I'll stop here.
Thanks for the company. Just for the record, it's not like... 'the end'.
It's just a break. Well. We'll see. See you when it's over.


  1. Hey Ira..It's Nurul..or Fairuz..Whatever u used to call me..I actually wanted to say this on your previous entry, then I was like scrolling around looking for your tagboard..And you didn't have any..So I thought, "Shit." Then on your latest entry, I found out you can put a goddamn comment. Well, here it is, I LOVE reading your blog so please, please, please don't close it. Please..

  2. don't know if you'd come here to read the comment, but yes, let's go buy ourselves a few guns and start shooting randomly, lol
    see you on msn, if you go on that thing anymore

  3. Nurul, I'm not closing it totally. Just gonna leave it alone for awhile. I'd come back to it after some time, okay? And I still need all the links to the blogs I read including yours! :)

    Tom, I don't know but that scene in the movie reminds me of you. Haha. Strange..
    Yup I'll see you on MSN. I need to go on that thing :P

  4. Thank god you didn't delete this. I feel like it's the only way I have contact with you!