14 June 2006

Being self-conscious

I'm coming down with a fever again. This time it's psychological. My chemically imbalanced brain threatening to reprogramme.

I can't believe how many times I've been told: 'Wow, your eyes are freaking huge'. (Yes now we're talking about my eyes, after yesterday it was about me being a bitch, wearing black, and being homicidal) As I was saying, yes, my eyes are freaking huge, record-breaking huge, nearly-popped-out-of-my-head kinda huge, so huge that I can't hide it to save my life.
I know.
Really. I didn't lose my memory at any point in time ever in my life to not realize that so I know my eyes are practically oversized. It's the focal point of my face. In fact, it breaks a person's concentration. Takes away everything else that's happening around them and gets their complete attention. And hey, now that I've been told by my "nice" colleagues that they look like - get ready to laugh - fishballs and longans, I don't have the slightest idea what am I even doing with a pair of eyes.

It's funny. Yeah. Laugh, whatever. I'll take it as a joke. Fine. But that.... that was pretty in-my-face considering the fact that it's not the first time. It's like walking and minding your own business then suddenly this massive billboard drops in front of you telling you everything about you that you just don't want (and don't need) to be reminded of.

It's just not going to be easy is it? This whole loving-yourself thing. I'm not in that state anymore where I let myself be depressed because of what people say, I'm just really pissed because to me it's not easy to deal with it. Not to mention how inferior it makes me feel. It's temptation for me to start hating myself again, but I can't afford to BE like that anymore. But do I have a choice? I don't know if I have a choice, I just know that I have to put up with it.

It's not 'healthy' to look at beautiful people and thinking that that's what life is about - being beautiful on the outside. I don't do that but I don't like looking at myself in the mirror either, especially when it mutates me. Only vague reflections that don't show my features are what I could look at for at least a couple of seconds before looking away. Coz that's like looking at another person. I'd like to think that who I'm looking at -is- beautiful... just the way I see everybody else. Especially when I look carefully and not judge them by the size of their eyes or shape of their teeth or size of their nose.
It just isn't fair because I never deliberately make fun of anybody, let alone do it in their face or in front of others. So what sort of 'karma' is coming back at me? Is it some sort of mystery punishment or... what is it?
I'm really trying not to lose it here.

Or... maybe I'm taking things too personally again.
Yeah. Reality wins. I'm done.

Note to self: Forgot to mention that I was inches away from being bird-pooped.

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