07 June 2006

Made by Mistake

So.. today I wasn't late for work. It's past bedtime but it doesn't matter because as much as I can be unhappy about some things, that's how much I could (and should) be happy about some (other) things. Like the fact that I'm holding my driving licence in my hand and it looks really impressive, or the fact that I could finish the tasks at work as soon as they were given to me, or the fact that in July throughout August I will meet him for the first time and there's so much for me to prepare for.

I look forward to this... you know, just spending time with him. Just that. I looked forward to this since last year and if you were me you won't miss it for the world no matter what. You won't screw it up no matter what. If you were me.

These days there are things that I have to settle that's right there in front of me, yet I pressure myself into trying to analysis situations from as far as (maybe) 5 years down the road. So much planning.. so much explaining.. so much of everything.
No I didn't just realize that it wasn't going to be easy this whole relationship thing. And add in the fact that it's being managed over different timezones and being thousands of miles away from where he is.

It binds your hands to the sky and ties your feet to the ground.
Although the experience is such a wonderful thing, it is something that I've put my mind to. And it's something that I would risk so much despite the things that are being said to me.
No logical sense can talk me out of it, and no realistic instances could convince me that I am being unreasonable. They say when you're in love everything feels right. But the truth is, I'm in love because it feels right. Maybe it's more than love. It's what I've associated with Life itself because without it I would've taken matters into my own stupid hands. But... I know what I want, I know what I must do, and I know how to leave this life behind me for the one that I am anticipating.
But perhaps I'm in knowledge of this alone.

But be what may be... I just have to accept every situation I was put into even if eventually I will refuse to go its way. And I just can't breathe like this... I don't want to be the reason why something (or everything) didn't turn out right. I know I've made mistakes and every single one of them is what I have to live with for the rest of my life now, and I know, that's not enough punishment. No. Besides having to learn from these lessons, I'd have to wonder who the hell is going to forgive me if not myself.
At the end of the day who I'd rely on to make me feel better is none other than me. All for the reason being so I could start thinking rationally and sort things out with... whoever. And there's only so few people that I have in my life, who literally means a lifetime to me. Including him who I haven't come to fully know and understand.
I mean to say, though, that it's been where my heart's at. So what it takes is a huge risk, and it's better that than trying to arrange every single step of the way. I hold myself together, and realize that I would've never been put in crazy situations like these if I wasn't strong enough to handle it in the first place.

I don't doubt life's mysterious ways.

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