12 June 2006

Do you look down on me?

I just got called a 'bitch' for not wanting to do a favour for someone (who's my sister). Money really does make people kill each other don't it? She asked me for training shoes. No. Well, firstly she asked me for $40 to pay a fine. Why? Because she was caught posessing cigarettes. Being in a country like Singapore when you're 16 with cigarettes in your hand isn't such a good idea. But asking me to pay for what she's done? Of course I said no. And now she asked for some training shoes. White. Adidas if I heard correctly. Adidas... duh. It's the cheapest type of shoes out there, I'm sure. It got on my nerves how careless she is with money that she spends and spends and spends, and when she's got nothing left she turns to other people. I thought this was completely unnecessary and it's obviously a bad habit that will die hard. So what I said to her was "Come here and let me ask you something. Do you know what I've been working for?"
And she snapped: "I'm only asking you a favour, if you don't want to do it then just say you don't." So I did. And she was sorry for relying on me. Sorry for asking me to help her with something so small yet something I can't fulfill. I can be disappointed with her about things like these. Because seriously, I'm just starting to start a life. What I earn is all I have. I try to reward myself for my achievements just so I don't get sick of trying, and I have plans! If I am going to let her step all over me too then what would I end up with? Just because everyone knows that I've got issues, that does not mean that I'm stupid and free to be taken advantage of.

And then one of my colleagues.... he noticed that I'm always wearing dark colours to work. How strange that it bothers him. So much that he still talks about it and it's been what, a month? He said it's dull and sad and that when I'm sitting at the back of his car it makes me look like I'm a part of the black leather seat that he wouldn't notice me there. Then he'd feel like he's treating me in a bad way. All the stupid comments.
Then when I got out of the car (to let another colleague out) I mistakenly forgot to check before I swing the door open. And even about that he kept on talking for the next 15 minutes. Telling me all the bad things that could've happened if there had been a motorbike or a car or someone walking.. how they could "get hurt and go to heaven" because I don't check before I open the door. He asked me if I knew how many accidents happen because of this, and that he would be in trouble if he loses one of his car doors. On and on and on...

And I just sat there and didn't say anything. Stupid huh? Expressionless looking out the window wishing that he'd just drive himself straight into a wall so he could split himself open and Just Stop Talking. Go ahead with the kamikaze!
If this was a year ago I would've lost it and maybe even made more a fool of myself crying or not show up for work ever again. I expected this. I knew and I expected this. I realized that people just either can't leave me alone to my own little ways, OR they take a lifetime to really get to know me. But hey.. as a person I just feel offended so easily, so in some way it's kinda half my problem too that I let stupid insignificant things bother me.

Yes I'm a very self-conscious person. But who the hell knows anyway. They just start shooting thinking that it's "Oh.. some kind of a joke, she's okay with it." Bullshit. I have to put up with stuff like that on my own, it's NOT okay. I don't need to dislike myself anymore you know. This is as far as I would go and I don't want to be all suicidal and self-destructive in secret again. Yeah the world's not helping but so what? I got myself to fall back on and I'll grow up someday. So people like these.. they can shove it all up their you-know-where.

If I want to wear black, I'll wear black. If I won't give anyone my money, then I won't give it to anyone. If I want to open the car door without checking so somebody can die, then I'll open the damn door hoping that someone gets killed. If I want to quit this stupid job filled with stupid, childish old people, then I'll quit.
Actually I can't wait to do that. Thanks to this fella for giving me the last bit of motivation that I need to realize that if I want to disappoint everybody (in this case, at work), then it's exactly what I'm going to do.

Kamikaze, man...
I don't have a problem with that.


  1. I feel so in tune with you. We're actually very much alike. People bother me because I wear black, I make one tiny mistake and people nag me to no end. I get called a bitch because I don't want to help people sometimes. It's really rough because I guess I have a tough exterior and people feel like they can say what they want. Or they know that I'm vulnerable underneath and want to exploit that to no end.

    High five for staying strong.

  2. how about if instead of black, you wear goth? it's still black, but it's more pointy, i think. (ok, hat was kinda stupid comment)
    and that guy you get a ride with, he got a problem if he's yapping this much about nothing. does he have a life?

  3. Suzy:
    Exactly. And what really just gets on my nerves is when some people just make a huge deal out of my mistakes. Reasonable huge-deals are understandable, but they don't have to start acting like it's the end of the world. It's just so hard for some people to shut up when they've got nothing nice to say.

    Not a stupid comment, but think corporate goth. :P
    That's more likely.
    Anyway, yeah.. this guy talks. And he talks WAY too much.


    Thanks for dropping by :)