01 June 2006

Better When I'm Older

Something's wrong with me. But I get to learn more lessons (in life) these past couple of days. So what was the latest mistake I did? I know: Pushing my youngest sister aside, yelling at her about why does she always have to be where I am, and yelling at her to leave me alone. I was in my room on the computer after work today, and I just wanted a quiet time. That's all I wanted. But she walked in and although she was completely innocent and did absolutely nothing to provoke me, I just let myself blew up in rage, started slamming things, pulling out wires from live sockets from wherever, and walked out of the room cursing to myself. I made my sister cry, but as much as I wanted to see that, it eventually came back hitting me three times as hard.
When I sat down in my room again, alone, and looked at the piece of paper I have (and still have) in my hands containing the words from someone important that I must come to fully understand, I realized: I hardly made up for the past mistakes that I made, yet I already made another one.

I push people away because I am irritable. Irritable and whacked these days.

Every morning I wake up, I try to be early for work. Today was another day that I was late again. 5 minutes late but still late. Nobody seem to care but I was still late and I knew that I had to do something about it. But what did I do? After waking up I either find myself staying in the bathroom for ages thinking about every second of my life's worth, or standing staring at myself in the mirror still wrapped in a towel wishing my soul was on the other side all because (of a stupid thing) I couldn't even decide what to wear and at the same time being worried about what time it is, the stupid crowd in the train, the prying eyes that mentally strip me in public, and how I'll be late again.
Everyday on my way to work I have to tell someone that I am going to give up, and I think my mother hears this all the time. She keeps telling me to have patience. And looking at where I stand now, I think my "problem" is a piece of dust compared to other people.

And I should always think for others, not just myself. I just have to learn from my mistakes, grow up, and sort myself out. Alone.

2 comments:

  1. being alone is good sometimes, but i found out, human can't really be alone, we're not like those bacteria (heck, even they mate with each other)
    all the time, i wanna blow up at my brother too for annoying the crap out of me. i'm still wondering to myself how come i haven't done it yet

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  2. So you got annoyed with Manal for always following you around. Kinda like what my sister does too, except she's four years older than me, and she doesn't cry. I can totally relate to that Ira. There are times we want to have time to ourselves, and someone just has to walk in and spoil things, and they didn't even do anything to begin with.

    As far as your job goes, it's making you unhappy, and I think it's part of the reason why you're feeling this way. Your motivation is lost, this isn't what you want.

    But Ira, what I'm trying to say is, it's ok. Pls don't beat yourself up too much about it. It's unhealthy. Whatever expectations other ppl have on you, don't punish yourself when you can't live up to them. You did your best, and if you feel you can't do any better, there's nothing to feel bad about.

    And it's not always good to be alone, Ira. The ppl you want to escape from sometimes may be the only ones there for you when you least expect it.

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