Stark Corner

Last night I had a dream. I murdered a relative for going through my bag and sniffing my clothes while I was in the bathroom. I can still feel how angry I was when I saw him do that. I hit his head on the concrete floor until he bled like crazy. I killed him and it seemed so real.
I know that I'm very protective of myself, but I hope that was merely just a dream. I seriously have to clear my mind.

Yesterday was Farhah's 18th birthday. Her friends and colleagues were supposed to come for dinner, but they pulled out at the last minute and then there was just the two of us. We went out nonetheless. She was a little upset because she had expected more company, but I hope she knows that I had a good time with her. The food was great (pizza, soup, and desserts) and we ate so much we felt like throwing up. I arrived home just before 11pm, and I have to say that before I met up with her and after we went our separate ways, I felt very uneasy walking on my own.

I wonder if I'll ever get used to going out. It has never felt like a normal thing to do for me unless if I'm with someone I know. Even then I hate it when I'm not in some quiet place away from people coming from all directions. I'm used to the library. It's been like the only place I ever go to away from home. It's quiet and it's full of... book whisperings? If I could say that. I could spend 3 hours in it and feel like it's been only 30 minutes. I would start browsing from one shelf at a corner, down to the last shelf at another corner. The bigger the library, the better. I don't even have to take any books home, it's like the internet in some way. Only that everything's touchable. :D
Pointless comparison.

Anyway, I know this is strange but I think I really want... a snowglobe. A real, heavy, fragile, crystal clear, snowglobe. But just who sells snowglobes here. They're all tiny that they could fit in my hand, and they're filled with water instead of the right liquid which makes everything appear violently tossed around instead of spreading gracefully, and then they have ugly looking.. things.. inside. Instead of a house or trees or angels. Babies. Angel babies. Baby angels. Whatever.
Snowglobe, dammit.
With fake snow that looks real, that I can focus my envy on as much as I want.
What a random desire.

Two nights ago I watched a documentary of last year's tsunami. Actual footages. No re-enactments and such. It was a moment of history, and terribly horrifying. I got it on tape, for safe-keeping in other words. I don't think anyone could understand the grief and trauma of those who experienced this. Not if they weren't there themselves.

So today I feel good. I stay up way past midnight again as I always do, but it completes the day. I was in the city last night where the Christmas lights bling-blinged. And you know what else? I forgot to bring my camera.
But there were more advertisement banners than light displays anyway.

Writing. Just writing. With as little 'backspace' as possible and as little pauses as possible. I heard two songs one of which had haunting melodies and the other with words that had meanings: Seekers Who Are Lovers (Cocteau Twins) and A Hard Rain's A-gonna Fall (Jason Mraz , a tribute to Bob Dylan). And then emotional roller coaster again.
One thing I had trouble with today was staying awake. But now everybody's falling asleep and it will take awhile before I do that. I did the whole creative thing again with the pencil and the colours and the paper but I forgot how to. Fruitless effort but I can try again.
Again.

It's like a cycle. Emotions I mean. At least mine. One minute I could be threatened by the possibility of happiness taken away from me as quickly as it was given, and five minutes later I could be way up in the air covered in all the joy in the world. Euphoria, that's the word. The thing is, when it feels empty, that's when it's going to change.
Okay somehow this reminds me of the stock market
Something I have to also catch up on because it's been awhile since I did that. Not a very enjoyable learning process but it's rewarding in the long-run. Had I not been so afraid of seminars I would've known a lot more by now. Ah should've, would've and could'ves. Remind me not to live to regret.

Anyway, the fact that I have more plans than actual things to do is a little sad. Well it's really hopeless in other words but I decided not to look at it that way again since a couple of weeks ago. I know that I procrastinate because whenever I'm doing something, I'd look at something else and allow myself to be distracted. Then I end up doing that which leads to my habit of not finishing what I started. The whole self-hate phase would then start to kick in, and it just never ends.
Well I'm sick of that. I've been the way I am for too long. Don't have to stay that way anymore. It's not like I don't have a choice to get out of it. What matters is that I tried. Even if it kills me, I will know that I tried.

Been wanting to update since last Friday. So many things happened since my last entry. The trip to Hong Kong, how I got along with my sister again who I never talked to for more than a year, how I got along with my bestfriend again after more than a month of time-out away from each other, the time I went looking for a job, my first-time driving, problems that got in the way that I dealt with, and how different all of this made me feel now.

Different. Eager. A lot less afraid to face my fears.
And later today I'll be gone again.

Been turning to alot of music lately. Evanescence have been the best. Kate Bush and Björk. And sounds of nature too. But due to the crazy emotions that went on inside of me, listening to Evanescence (and not giving in to the pressure) kept me from losing it - temper, mind, sanity, everything. It was a test. That I don't know if I had passed.
Probably not. Yet. But I will.

It felt good, what it was like to face a challenge head on and just run it over. I wanna do it again.

There's one thing left for me to do - to keep going. Never forgetting how fortunate I am to have what I have, and that life will be better if I work towards my goals one step at a time. And again, just keep going. I'll fall if I have to, as long as there's still a chance to get what I've been longing for when I make the effort.

December... probably my favourite month. When it's the time that I wait for the season to change but it only rains and shines. Already the end of 2005. Never thought I'd make it this far alive, really, just looking at the way I used to beat myself up everytime because of what I did or did not do. It's amazing how things can turn around so suddenly, and how it takes just one person to help make life better, and living worth every second.
He means alot to me.

Note to self: stay strong.