12 December 2005

Writing Without Thinking

Writing. Just writing. With as little 'backspace' as possible and as little pauses as possible. I heard two songs one of which had haunting melodies and the other with words that had meanings: Seekers Who Are Lovers (Cocteau Twins) and A Hard Rain's A-gonna Fall (Jason Mraz , a tribute to Bob Dylan). And then emotional roller coaster again.
One thing I had trouble with today was staying awake. But now everybody's falling asleep and it will take awhile before I do that. I did the whole creative thing again with the pencil and the colours and the paper but I forgot how to. Fruitless effort but I can try again.

Creeping on the Gas
Is a magic love, like,
Like a Flights, clouded peak
I was choking on the blood
Whose camouflages, lack of soul
Whose misty fire, muses soul*

It's like a cycle. Emotions I mean. At least mine. One minute I could be threatened by the possibility of happiness taken away from me as quickly as it was given, and five minutes later I could be way up in the air covered in all the joy in the world. Euphoria, that's the word. The thing is, when it feels empty, that's when it's going to change.
Okay somehow this reminds me of the stock market
Something I have to also catch up on because it's been awhile since I did that. Not a very enjoyable learning process but it's rewarding in the long-run. Had I not been so afraid of seminars I would've known a lot more by now. Ah should've, would've and could'ves. Remind me not to live to regret.

Anyway, the fact that I have more plans than actual things to do is a little sad. Well it's really hopeless in other words but I decided not to look at it that way again since a couple of weeks ago. I know that I procrastinate because whenever I'm doing something, I'd look at something else and allow myself to be distracted. Then I end up doing that which leads to my habit of not finishing what I started. The whole self-hate phase would then start to kick in, and it just never ends.
Well I'm sick of that. I've been the way I am for too long. Don't have to stay that way anymore. It's not like I don't have a choice to get out of it. What matters is that I tried. Even if it kills me, I will know that I tried.

Kneeling by the harm
Which is promising the way
His poor essence, under the truth
love and heart polish itself
I slid my heels but slowly ran
So send Lucifer into hell*

Hm.. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow. So far there's the grocery store, the driving intructor, the whole afternoon of cooking, and then dinner at grandpa's coz for the first time he mentioned to us when his birthday was and complained that he never even had a cake before. So here's a surprise birthday bash for the old man. I get to bring the food. I'm just not sure about presents. How old is he now anyway?

My thoughts are messy at the moment. Messy in an organized kind of way. Piles of uncertainties here, and groups of things I can always be sure of there, all taking turns to collide and get in the way. Those times when all I ever did was 'grow out of' things has been well in the past. I have to 'grow into' things now, and that's what I'm gonna be doing for a long, long time. I can't believe there's so much to learn about living, and living to the fullest.
And I have to learn to stop thinking too much and just write because I took five whole hours to complete this post. Now you know the reason to the lack of updates. Too many plans, and no action taken. Now as far as I know nothing is worth mentioning.
What is this blog even here for...

But tomorrow will be a good time to talk.
I know someone who will listen.

* Emily Dickinson

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