08 October 2005

In Between

"Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry,"

Here's where I've been: up and down and around.
I read an entry from my old blog some days ago and it reminded me about the way I felt then. The feeling of getting the chance to come so close to something, but there's this fear of bouncing back to the beginning. The fear of it starting all over again like a phase. Like the times it did before. For a moment I was afraid of holding on, but at the same time I can't afford to let go. If I turn back then I go empty-handed, wasted, and I remain a huge disappointment. If I keep going I never know what the future brings, but if I die at least I'd know I tried.
But I guess that's the only 'but'I could fall back on. I was worrying too much and I let the fear take over me, and for a moment there I lost it. But... that's history.

"It's like building a new house with no roof and no doors,"

And then I had fever. Heh. My first sickness in the whole of 2005, and it might be my only. I was already thinking that I should be dying coz I was burning up. I couldn't feel my fingers and toes, yet I was sweating like it was in the middle of a hot day. There was also a strange dream that kept repeating itself over and over again. Then I kept waking up every 15 minutes. Too bad I couldn't remember anything. I had a bottle of water with me and that was what kept my brains from turning into soup. 24 hours and 10 toilet flushes later.. I was fine again.

"'cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right,"

This blog is as old as how long I've been with Michael. Well maybe not exactly the same but you get the idea. Though I don't see the end of this mysterious road, and I don't know what's the future all about, I'm glad we made it this far nonetheless. Actually the more I try to describe this feeling, the more nothing ever comes out so... I'm speechless.

"What would you think of me now,"

Today was a good day. I had too little sleep, I'm having too little to eat (Mr schtomach's still upset), and I feel so good. Yesterday the sun felt exceptionally wonderful on my skin and today, the rain and the cool breeze made walking-home such a great experience. And I left my glasses at home on purpose because... I've seen it all. :D
I have some things to do in the weeks ahead. One of it being a lot of catching up with anything and everything art. There's an exhibition held by MF Hussain, a well-known artist from India, and I thought I would just check out his artworks. I decided that it's time to make the transition from words to pictures... the way I made the change from pictures to words a long time ago. I just have to remember how I did it.
For me now, seeing the world in pictures seems easier to comprehend than words. And I never was a good writer. Not to everyone else but to myself anyway. It won't be something I set aside completely though. Writing will still be there, just not the first thing on the list anymore.

"In my field of paper flowers, and candy clouds of lullaby,
I lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me,"

So that's all for now. I am late for a visit to grandma's and she's gonna scream at me for not helping with the cooking. Which is one of the many things that relate to the word "create". But whatever. I'm all smiles.

"So this is how you breathe.
Sometimes I know."

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