19 January 2017

Remember today's determination to keep learning: Knowledge is power

This week I hardly noticed that I have been learning again.
They say money can't buy happiness and that's true in most cases, but I took a sum of my hard earned money and traded it for something I felt strongly would lift my spirits.

A Canon Eos 1300d and a bunch of books to help me stay well-informed in my teaching career.

It was a lot of money but it reminded me why I did it - because learning has been a thing about life that keeps me going and wanting to accomplish something big.

I need to remember this when I underestimate what I am capable of.
I need to remember that what one of my very first teachers during my studies said was and remains a very important reminder: "Keep reading reference works of others. Keep doing research."
I need to remember what my late father told me: "Learn as long as you still can."
And most of all I need to remember, that when I start to become self-conscious, I need to take the learning path because knowledge is power.

Knowledge is power.

This camera in my hand will help me increasingly improve my observation skills.
The books with the knowledge will be my tools of the trade with which I built epic foundations I build my teaching career on.

Dear children whose lives were, are and will be in my hands. I will help you survive this cruel world and show you how to make it better... if that is the last thing I do.

15 January 2017

What it's like to worry all the time for no apparent reason

That time when I was once younger and used to be robust enough that none of my worries can get through to me... is long forgotten.

Every other day it's the same thing:

  • Worry about the day for no apparent reason.
  • Put in so much effort at work for fear of 'lack of effort'
  • being on guard all the time expecting someone to come verbally attack me
  • pretend to look busy but actually plotting how I will spend my evening
  • grumble at the fact that i hardly leave on time enough to catch the bus so I have to take the train which takes longer

Every other night it's the same thing:

  • mental exhaustion so much that I would just like to stare senselessly on some kind of moving screen so my brain can become an idle slate, erasing all of the day's stress
  • no interest whatsoever in the things that I used to love doing
  • taking it in all the chores that I eventually still have to take over despite my fulltime work-week
  • the clock suddenly strikes 21:00 hours and it is time for bed...
  • ...but the kitchen is in a chaos, the laundry needs doing, the living rooms needs tidying
  • the clock strikes 00:00 and I'm still awake because I find myself back at square one: worrying about the next day for no apparent reason.
A couple of things didn't work out last week:
  1. Couldn't get an appointment at the massage parlour
  2. Fell sick in the middle of the week and was not in any condition fit enough for work
  3. Left the books I planned to read lying
  4. Left the books I planned to read for work purposes lying
A couple of things bothered the shit out of me over the weekend:
  1. 'Accidentally' being the first customer in line to buy the ONLY piece of beef tenderloine available at the counter while this other customer also wanted the same thing and lost out. I couldn't get over the fact that I could've given up half of the meat to him but I looked at my husband (who had no idea what the hell was happening) and that didn't result to anything so I went ahead with buying the whole thing so now I feel bad.
  2. Coming across the video of a 12-year-old who streamed her suicide live on Facebook. I regret watching it now. What the fuck, social media. What. The. Fuck.
  3. Recuperating at home because I don't feel well (knowing that something's wrong with me)
  4. Knowing that my colleague is leaving (how dare she, but fine, go, she is dead to me. I hope she fails.) Okay, just kidding. I just really hate changes I did not decide on.
Certain thoughts went through my mind which are somewhat positive - of things that might help get me back up again:
  • Get the regular massage appointments
  • Run once a week
  • Swim once a week
  • Get acquainted with photography
  • Do homework (yes, teachers have lessons to plan too)
  • Invite some 'friends' over... but I don't know who are my friends right now.
Right now:
  • I joined a forum full of people who suffer from anxiety disorders in hopes that I could vent out my insanity while feeling like a human being might just respond and give comfort.
  • I'm not looking forward to spending my day with colleagues.
  • My neck and shoulder and back are extremely tense and aching.
  • My lips are dry.
  • I think when I wake up tomorrow everything will be fine at first because I look forward to the smell of fresh morning coffee. Coffee always works. 

13 January 2017

Sebenarnya apa cerita si King Coco ni?

First of all, saya ni memang tak biasa blog dalam bahasa Melayu, tapi saya nak ceritakan pasal hal Coco ni. Perkara ni memang perkara gossip terhangat didunia Melayu saja. Orang yang tak tahu cakap Melayu memang tak akan faham pun kenapa kita sibuk sangat dengan King Coco.

King Coco tu nama gelaran seorang gadis Malaysia yang tetiba saja terus viral di social media. Viral pasal apa, awak tanya? Ah, viral sebab pada suatu hari, Coco merakamkan sebuah video dan dalam video tu dia kata die keturunan macam-macam punya keturunan. Sebab itu dia mempunyai loghat yang agak lain sedikit dari loghat Melayu biasa.

Itu saje.... tetapi selepas itu, video tu terus jadi viral. Disebar-sebarkan orang-orang yang maha bingit, rimas, dan menyampah dengan 'perangai' si Coco tu. Konon "action mat salleh" lah... "nak berbual bahasa orang putih pun tak betul" lah... "muka melayu habis konon nak mix-mix" lah... heyyy... macam-macam lah orang melayu kita ni tuduh si Coco tu. Tetiba macam semua orang ambil hati pasal Coco tak tahu nak cakap bahasa melayu betul-betul... ambil hati pasal bebual bahasa orang putih pun tak betul. Jadi Coco dianggapkan seorang yang tak sedar diri.

Saya ni bukan nak kesiankan Coco. Tapi saya nak terangkan... sebenarnya begini... Kalau ikut perasaan saya, si Coco ni dia faham sangat fungsi social media. Dia tahu kalau dia buat video merepek macam tu, mesti ramai orang akan sebarkan, disebabkan pasti ramai yang ambil hati kalau tengok perangai seorang gadis melayu muda yang kononnya 'tak sedar diri dia tu melayu'. Pasti ramai yang menyampah dengan perangai 'action mat salleh' dia tu. Ah.. dah viral dah. Nak buat macam mana lagi?