10 November 2016

So now I am here, where do I begin?

Source: Rodrigo Basaure 2003 | Flickr

The moment that kicked me right in the abdomen today was when I noticed a woman listening in to me arguing and smirking to her amusement at what she was witnessing. I wasn't aware but when I noticed it hit me: I am making a fool of myself. So I took that into account and walked away and deep inside I realized that this is the point in time things have to change for the better.

I'm angry, hurt, irritable and messed up. All of this on the inside. And it's not that I can't deal with them, but I've been dealing with them by allowing the causes of these negative emotions to become a normal part of my life, which is just ridiculous. The causes I see everyday are the little things in life that suddenly never bother me when I realize that these things are not going to get themselves done on their own. I've been increasingly and undoubtedly relying on others, expecting, hoping, making efforts to negotiate and compromise... and all for what? To become disappointed in the end because I made that mistake -  I had expectations.

Expectations put pressure on people and things. If you expect a raw egg to not break when it falls to the ground then it's still not going to live up to your expections.

I realized, once again - not the first time to be punched in the teeth back into this reality - that the only thing that will get me out of this mess is to get the things I need to feel better again completely done (by) myself. What is the use of blaming others who you believed let you down? In their eyes, they have done everything they could to come to terms with you, or perhaps they have too much of their own problems to even care, but either way: it's not their fault. Never is. But I believe that which I believe because of the hurt and anger that sums up out of all the wreckage no one else but myself conjured. The madness has to stop.

So many things went wrong in the past couple of months which has cost me too much energy to ever mention them again even in thoughts. I wish I could let the people who have been through the same things know that I now know how they feel. But in the end I see them fighting alone and I see myself fighting alone... literally ignoring the life that is raging past me in order to be able to survive a rat race - tick-tock-tick-tock, get up, go to work, build up stress til late, come home, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat.
I already feel my heart stopping when I'm right in the middle of turning the shower off and dripping away around the shower curtain reaching for the towel.

But I am now here, in this situation.. in this kind of routine.. in this sort of.. pattern. Where do I fuckin' begin to sort it out without the help I have so clearly honestly asked for?
I realize that I can always ask for help... but it is not anyone's concern, whether or not related by blood, to answer. And in this delusional social world we all think we live in, we think we should be kind and through it we will be showered with kindness in return. Well no. I almost killed myself when I was just trying to help an absent-minded lady open the bus door so she could alight.
Kindness is overrated. It is a thankless piece of deed. Entirely thankless. Sometimes harmful to oneself. Mothers go through it. Their children, when they themselves grow up being brain-bludgeoned with the commandment, go through it. Teachers go through it. And what do they get in return?

I will remain to be kind - not that you'd start thinking I no longer believe in doing good. But I no longer be kind to expect karma to do its job three or sevenfold. It is a good deed and when it is done, it is done. Because to expect others to do the same just out of the norm is making me hold a grudge. Makes me angry. Especially at myself. Turns me into a negative, bitter, narcissistic psycho whose next wish is to rip heads off and steal souls, and that is the last thing I need right now.

Being a quiet person I am, most people think of me not only as reserved but also tranquil and calm. But after knowing me and after I warm up around people (which can take anything between 5 minutes and 5 years), I will become frank and when I hit, I hit hard. Because like other people, surprise, I have needs/thoughts/opinions too. And yes, I love to talk when I have the need to.. and I can talk a lot. And when I do then I really need to talk. Deep conversations, thorough discussions and weighing out possibilities are some of my favourite topics especially when there is a decision in front of me I deem important which I soon have to make.
But if I end up hurting others by opening up like that then I don't need to open up like that... or to them. Because that's just stupid. Stupid for me, stupid for them. Evitable like pregnancy in this day an age.

Which brings back to the real reason why I started journalling when I was 11 and why this blog is still active for 11 years now and counting - that one thing that never let me down was always my diary. I've seen it as an imaginary friend as a child. A partner as a young woman. And as I grow further into my adult years it's going to be my mentor. Self-reflection at its best. And putting it online for the world to see is fine with me... because this way I don't really have to talk to anybody - just to the ones who care to listen and to listen twice. Some respond, some don't. Which is fine. Even if it's just this blank page doing it all for me.
If in the end these thoughts turn from negative to inspiring, then I'd realize that I have dealt with a problem that could've made me lose my sanity in the best way I possibly can and in the way I know works best.

I was on auto-pilot for a long while now as though I would trust someone or something else to fly my plane. So hell no, I am switching back to manual from now on. If no one else will take responsibility then I will.
The only way to ever get things done around here. First thing on the list of things to do: pulling myself together.

25 April 2016

Is blogging now a thing of the past?

Ever since Facebook and Instagram and the like, people seem to share most of their lives through quick bursts of photos and status updates instead of journaling their experiences for their followers to sink into.
At the moment I can't think up of a useful use for StarkCorner except for what it had always been: a place for me to express myself through words and pictures.
Perhaps someday my so-called blogging friends are going to take the time to write about their experiences again. Thoughts that
are more valuable than just "Taking a walk on the beach... (insert picture)"

Via: http://www.girlupnorth.co.uk/2012/03/what-i-love-about-blogging.html

14 March 2016

What to do before you leave your comfort zone

Via: "Lost in Space" (source)

Look closely at that picture above. Enlarge it. Click it. 
Can you see where your home is? Can you see where mine is?

You can't. This is the vast and expanding universe. A depiction of it. From a far travelled distance.

To be able to have this view of this magnitude, you must travel out of your comfort zone (your home) and beyond. Far into the distance. You will see things. Many things. You will have a better overview of anything around you as compared to anyone else who haven't been as far as you have. You may still have contact with home but the farther out you go the more unpredictable and complicated making contact becomes. The voices start to crack, distort or disappear. 

If you don't remember how you got to this point, then you might not know how to get back to where you came from. And then there will be silence as you find your way back home. And you either find it, or accept the fact that this entire space you have has now become your home - your new comfort zone. Bigger, heavier, quieter and emptier. All the better for you… to fill.

This is why it's hard for any normal human being to leave his/her comfort zone: because like travelling interstellar, you will always end up alone.

Is the comfort zone worth leaving?
Yes, if you feel so safe that you are suffocating in life. If you need space to even breathe. If you have been silently screaming inside. If you need to grow and fly and build a dream you have always been envisioning. 
No, if where you are right now is making you feel uncertain, insecure or anxious (it means you probably are already outside of your comfort zone). 

How do I know if I should leave my comfort zone?
You should do it when the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about it is how afraid and uncertain you feel about stepping out into the unknown. Afraid of leaving your comfort zone? Good. You're ready.

What do I need to know before I leave my comfort zone?
Here comes the fun part. Here are nine things you should have in mind before you decide to leave your comfort zone:
  • Take what your soul needs: a journal to write in, some kind of connection to home (or someone at home), your faith and beliefs if you like, and your strongest of memories.
  • Directions: Where exactly are you going? How far do you want to go?
  • Accommodation: Do you know where you are going to stay? I don't mean this just literally. I mean this metaphorically as well. Do you have a place to stay? Does your mind/soul have a place to stay?
  • Have someone to accompany you whether in person or from afar: You're going on this journey alone, but you don't have to go through it alone. There will be days, weeks, months and years when you are going to have no one to talk to. So you wouldn't want to take a simple message for granted from a person, out there someone, maybe in another country, another time, another space, who is thinking of you right this very moment wishing you well.
  • Prepare for shock: Shocks are going to happen very frequently once you're out of your comfort zone. Shocks are signs that you are entering the panic zone. If you're a hardcore 'traveller' like me, then you will not give in to shocks. But be mindful of yourself: shocks are capable of crippling and damaging you. You either adapt - fast - or die. But do not ignore them. Shocks are a sign that if you are not ready to adapt, turn around and go back.
  • Activate defence mechanisms: In many new situations you might find yourself either personally, verbally or physically assaulted. And in many other situations you might find yourself out of place - literally not fitting in into any shape, form or design. You will know once you feel or become rejected. And you thought you should let down your guard but that was a mistake. And you become hurt and find yourself at the lowest of the low. When you are down there, do me one favour: rebuild your fences as you rise. These will become your new boundaries. And then show the new world, who you let in and who you leave out. Choose consciously.
  • Don't go too far: You venture out and you might notice how addicting it becomes. You think you have grown, you think you are far better off now than you were before when you were home and safe, you think you know more, you think you know better. Well stop for awhile and reflect: Remember who you really are.
  • Contact your family, your friends, your relatives back home: You are proud that you are making your journey far and wide on your own. But once in awhile, contact those familiar voices at home. You will need to hear them again. And you will long to hear them again. They are your directions back home if you were to lose your way. A door that will always remain open, if you decide to come back one day. And you will long to come back one day and that's okay.
  • Come back: You have been away for so long and you decide how long you want to stay out of your comfort zone. But once in awhile look back at the distance you have left behind. Look how far you have come. Remember the way you came. Because coming back doesn't mean you can never venture out again. It means you can venture out again next time: even further than you have ever gone.

How do I know if I have gone far enough?
The thing about leaving your comfort zone is: once you do it, you wouldn't want to stop. Once you leave it you will realize that magic happens. Once you are out, you're out and that moment of freedom is that one thing that will grab you by the throat and make you carry on. The beauty of it all is: you can go in any direction you want and need to. And you decide when to turn around. So I don't know how far is far enough. I knew after five consequent years of being outside of my comfort zone: immense homesickness, hairloss (yes, because I'm not getting the same nutrition I'm getting at home) and despair.
So whether or not you've gone far enough is something I cannot say. You'll just know.

What's the point of leaving my comfort zone?
The only reason (for me) for leaving your comfort zone should be to expand your comfort zone. See you probably thought this whole time that I'm talking about leaving your comfort zone because the comfort zone is 'boring'. No, it isn't! Your comfort zone is the REAL place you want to be. But it's up to you, how big it can become.
I wasn't as lucky as some other people with huge mega comfort zones. Mine was small, almost strangling. I felt enchained and encased. I needed space to grow. So I broke away to claim more space. To build new boundaries. The new boundaries of my new (and bigger) comfort zone. My old comfort zone is still there, I just no longer confine myself within those old boundaries because I already built new ones.
The point is to make your comfort zone bigger when you're sick of suffocating in it.

So now you have the tools you need to make your journey a reality.
I wish you courage. Remember who you are. Keep the voices and your strongest memories alive. Memories that make you who you really are.
Remember to come back.

Now go. And tell me stories of your interstellar adventures.


02 March 2016

Tonight's Stumble-Upons



Steampunk watch ring (Source)

Steam punk watch parts ring

Steampunk watch parts pen (source)  




The voices...

If you can't control your kid, someone else will.

Most of us never get to know what it feels like.

28 February 2016

Now begins Recovery

Right now I'm thinking to myself, do I see a light at the end of the tunnel? It doesn't seem like it. I don't feel like the five-year journey that I have taken was a deep, dark tunnel. That journey I took was an open road. I saw night and day. Sometimes going faster and sometimes going slower. Sometimes standing still. And sometimes something dashes right across and it's a matter for time before I swerve, slow down or run straight into it. Mostly beasts trying to make me turn back or hit a large tree - trying to make me give up. On some days I have watched the stars and getting lost in them, not even looking ahead anymore, if I'm still going in the right direction.

So maybe it's a little light at the end of the open road, so much that I can see the end of the chapter meet a new one.

I don't want to write too much about how the final practical exam went because by then I had lost my strength and my motivation. Strength I had used up just to get by in a new society. I remember how that tore off every piece of what is left of me. I took the torn pieces with me but I couldn't afford to put them back where they belong. It'a like trying to make a scar go away.
Makes no sense.

I thought I had lost myself amongst the noise and the confusion of things. I thought I had to change... and for awhile I pretended to, just so I don't lose my sanity. Now that I am going to graduate soon, I sense the burden on my shoulder slowly lifting. I sense a slight trace of life left in my artistic creativity... but barely alive. I desperately search through my memories for all the things that once kept it real and going. I desperately try to remember what it was like to make art out of my freedom of thought and speech.

I feel like I'm about to crawl out of an opening and see that the entire world has changed. Now it's up to me to decide where to start again and where to go from here.